Shrimp Scampi

Okay People, here's the story; 

My aging whore of a computer (with a backlog of about 50 recipes and a few hundred photos)  died about 2 months ago. I've been telling myself it will be resurrected like Jesus or Superman, but that doesn't seem like it's in the fucking cards. So after much procrastination, I'm back. Try not to care too hard.

It's my twisted vegan version of an Italian classic. I hope Emeril chokes on a chicken bone if he sees this. Oh, and it's a double whammy recipe.

 Mindfuck!

Vegan Shrimp Scampi with Finger Sandwiches

Get this stuff; 

For the Shrimp Scampi

2 Tablespoons Vegan Butter

3 Tablespoons finely minced Garlic

1 package Vegan Shrimp 

1/2 pound Udon Noodles (If you buy them frozen, you might want to DE-frost them first.)

1/3 cup White Wine (Drink the rest of the bottle with dinner, or kill your dinner guest with it)

Salt and Pepper to taste (Preferably, my taste, because you lack any)

For the Finger Sandwiches

6 Rice Buns (Steam them before you prep them, 'tards)

6 slices of tomato (make sure they're firm. you know, the opposite of your midsections)

6 slices Vegan ham (yes, I like to cook vegan ham. Ironic? I don't give a fuck.)

Ponzu Sauce (buy it pre-made, or make your own. I'd include a recipe, but, fuck you.) 

Alright, now the Sandwiches shouldn't take any longer to assemble than the average Ikea furniture piece. Take the Ham and the Tomato, and stuff them into the Rice Buns, 1 slice of each per bun. Then lightly drizzle some Ponzu over them. Boom. Easier than your sister.

The Shrimp Scampi will take a little longer, and because I assume most of you are stupid, I'm breaking it down into clearly defined steps.   

1. Open the packages of Shrimp & Udon. (cut them into smaller pieces if the mood strikes)  
2. Melt the butter over a LOW flame, until it is nice and clear.
3. Add in your white Wine.
4. Don't fuck up steps 1-3
5. Add in your garlic, and cook on medium low, covered, for about 3-4 minutes, or until the garlic starts to brown.
6. Uncover, then toss in your Udon and Shrimp. Literally. Toss those fuckers around in there to coat them evenly in the butter, wine and garlic, then raise the flame to MEDIUM. Let the concoction cook for about 10 minutes, or until any excess liquid cooks off. Season with Salt & Pepper, give it another good tossing, and serve.
7. Shovel this delicious shit into your feeding holes.