Vegan BLT

After a hiatus in Florida, and much procrastination, I have returned to fill your vacuous skulls with delectable foodstuffs. However, I am still a lazy fuck, so today's recipe is a quick sandwich, which should be easy enough for even the most brain damaged of you to make. There's even a bonus recipe at the end!

VEGAN BLT

 

Try to scrounge up this shit;

1 Hoagie, opened

1 large lettuce leaf, halved lengthwise (I prefer to use King Bok Choy, but it's up to you.)

1/2 plum tomato, sliced thin

1/2 Kirby Cucumber, sliced thin

1/4 cup chopped Pickled Jalapeno rings (recipe at the bottom of this post) 

3 slices Imitation Ham, cut into strips

3 Tablespoons Nayonaise (Vegan Mayo)

Optional: Sriracha

Now, as insane as this may sound to some of you, the recipe is as follows;

Slice open your Hoagie.

smear the 2 halves with the Vegan Mayo.

Build your sandwich as desired with the ingredients listed.

Close the sandwich.

Eat the motherfucker.

I like to layer the Leafy Greens, then Tomato slices, chopped Jalapeno, a little more Mayo, imitation Ham, Cucumber, and a little Sriracha on top. But hey, that's just me. You could do whatever the fuck you want. Just do it.

Pickled Jalapeno Rings

I'll try to keep this simple so no one dies.

2 cups thinly slices Jalapenos, seeds included

4 tablespoons raw Sugar

1 cup Rice Vinegar

1/3 cup Mirin (rice cooking wine)

Place all the ingredients together in a large jar, or and container with an airtight lid. Place it in a cool, dry place, NOT IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT, and let stand for 2 days. Refrigerate after they're good and pickled, and it will last you for at least a month. You can and will put this shit in EVERYTHING.

Three Pepper Polenta

Alright dickbones, It's time again for me to bombard your little primate brains with awesome goodness. Today you are going to stare dumbly at pictures and text that demonstrate how to make a reconstituted Polenta with Jalapeno and red and green bell peppers. You will make it. You will consume it. You will fucking love it.

 Three Pepper Polenta

You will need;
 2 Red Bell Peppers
2 Green Bell Peppers
2 Jalapeno Peppers
1 pound Polenta
2 1/2 Cups Vegetable Stock (Separate 1/2 a cup)
2 Tablespoons Vegan Butter
Kosher Salt

First off, you need to reconstitute the Polenta. Since the kind you'll find in stores usually comes in a sausage tube, you'll have to bring it back to its native mushy form. You do this by putting 2 Cups of Vegetable Stock in a pan like this;

(Look! a pan with stuff in it!)

And then putting said Polenta in said pan. Let it simmer on a medium flame (That's usually when you leave the knob dead-centered, dumbass.) and when most of the liquid has cooked off, throw in your vegan butter. Stir it occasionally until it's thickened and creamy, kind of like your midsection. Or, like this;

(This Polenta has sundried tomato in it.)

Now comes the complicated part for those of you too stupid to use a knife properly. And please, if you are kitchen retarded, don't EVER use a mandolin. You need to slice the Bell Peppers and the Jalapenos, and try not to bleed into your Polenta.

At first I was like

But then I was all

Alright meatbags, it's the home stretch. Take your sliced Peppers, and put them in the pan with the Polenta, add the other 1/2 a cup of Vegetable Stock, and then.... wait for it.... Mix it together! Add some Salt if it's needed. Once the concoction has thickened up again, it's ready to eat. You can spead it on a nice slice of toasted Ciabatta bread, throw it over some pasta, or smear it on your chest. In any case, I don't care, because the recipe is over.

DISCLAIMER: What burns going in, burns coming out. And please, never touch your genitals right after handling hot peppers.

Faked Ziti

In case you shitheels couldn't tell by the name of the blog, I am a vegan. 

It means that I don't eat anything with a face, or anything that comes out of its tits. 

Meaning, no flesh, no fowl, no dairy. 

This kind of puts a hamper on my love for all foods of the Italian persuasion, but fuck it, I want to live till 110. Here is my slightly less fatal version of an olde-tyme favourite:

FAKED ZITI 

(it's a play on the named Baked Ziti, get it? Assholes.)

You'll need the following:

1 lb. cooked Pasta

1 10oz. block of Vegan Mozzarella

1/3 cup Soy Milk (I used vanilla flavoured, it gives it a more cheesy taste)

1 Tablespoon Kosher Salt

3 tablespoons chopped Garlic

1 1/2 cups Marinara sauce

Dried Basil Flakes

Dried Oregano flakes

Shredded Vegan Cheese of your choice

First, chop the block of mozarella into large chunks, and put it in a blender or food processor with the Soy Milk. You need to then puree it, morons, and make sure there are no big chunks left in it, or it will come out like shit. It should be smooth and creamy, like what's left of your brains.

Next, Put it in a large bowl, and mix in the Marinara sauce. The resulting concoction should be a fairly pinkish color, otherwise you've added too much Marinara, or too little. Try not to fuck it up this early on, yeah?

 Then, after mixing in the chopped Garlic, the Kosher Salt, and the Pasta, put the whole thing into a baking dish, and smooth it down flat.. If you're too cheap to own a baking dish, use an aluminum tin. And you'd better recycle that, motherfucker.

Keeping up with me so far, or should I 

slow

down?

 Assuming by this point that you have not yet set your house on fire, I'd preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit, and fuck your mother in Celsius.

Okay, now here comes the complicated part; 
First, LIGHTLY sprinkle the top of the Ziti with the dried Basil and Oregano. Don't blame me if you put too much on and your pasta comes out gritty as shit. 

Next, sprinkle on your shredded vegan cheese. Use as much or as little as your little heart desires, I really don't care. Lastly, Plop a few dollops of Marinara sauce on top of the cheese. No real reason, it just looks pretty.

Now, throw that bitch in the oven for 20 minutes. 
Pull it out, let it cool off a little, and put it in your mouths.

Enjoy yourselves, cocksuckers.